My time at my other grade school was a dark period in my life and even though I only spent 2 years at this other school compared to 5 years at my first grade school, it seemed like an eternity and my life there was pure hell. Anytime someone transfers to a new school it can be difficult but I didn't think things would go as badly as they did for me. Even though I wasn't religious at the time, I always felt things like this happened for a reason but after my experience at this second school I no longer thought things happened for a reason. I questioned if there can even be a God!
My new school had a mixture of special education students and regular students but was my school districts designated place to send the worst of the special education students. Instead of spending 4 hours a day in special ed like my other school, I spent most of my school days in special ed. The school had two separate wings. one wing had grades 4 through 6 and the other wing had kindergarten through the third grade and the two special education classes. There was my class which appeared to be geared towards special education students who had a normal IQ and as my teacher put it we are "Mentally Handicapped" while the other class was geared towards people who had a low IQ and were considered "Mentally Retarded". I really felt out of place in my class and new school and for the first time saw myself as someone from another planet. I just didn't fit in and was different than my classmates in several ways that I cannot even explain. Most of my classmates were abused by their parents either emotionally or physically. Others had traumatic experiences happen in their family such as the death of a loved one, a parent diagnosed with cancer or a parent even dying from cancer. One student that I knew, I was quite sure was sexually abused by a parent or other family member. In addition to being like someone from a different planet, I really didn't fit in with these kids who were abused by their parents. There was one student who had a tough life and took out his anger on other people including teachers. The mainstream students didn't really consider us part of their class since we would spend only 1 or 2 classes with them then return to special ed. We would have desks in our other classrooms but the mainstream students would often steal pencils and other items from our desks since they figured we weren't really part of their class. Unlike my previous school, students here were less tolerant and wouldn't hesitate to punch you while you are walking down the hall minding your own business, harass you, and do anything to let you know that they don't like "retards". I immediately missed my first school and couldn't wait to go back but didn't realize that I wasn't going back. This is where I would spend the rest of my grade school years.
My special ed teacher decided that I couldn't handle my normal grade of schoolwork so I started doing 2nd grade work even though I was a 5th grader. I admit that I didn't do my homework which caused problems at my other school but didn't realize this would give teachers the message that I cannot handle my own grade of work. After finishing the sixth grade I was unable to divide which most sixth graders could easily do and learned a lot earlier than the sixth grade how to divide. I also missed out on English and almost every other class for my own grade level and when I did go to a class at my level, it was a class that didn't teach me anything or I didn't understand the class because I was so behind from not doing the coursework during the previous grades. Of course when I registered for Junior High School, I had to take Special Ed English and Math classes.
Like I mentioned, there are a lot of bad memories at this school. One of the worst incidents I encountered was when a girl found out I found her attractive but she didn't like me and made sure to let me know about it. One of the reasons I was sent to this second school was because I never had friends at recess at my first school. For the most part I didn't have friends but sometimes hung around with another Special Ed student named Trent who enjoyed getting into trouble. He was always up to some kind of mayhem and would do pranks such as smashing milk cartons on the playground, disobey teachers just to piss them off, and even walk into a womens restroom with 1st through 3rd grade girls in it which was really messed up. He was about the only friend I had in this second school. Some of the other bad memories is the first time in my life (and probably the only time) that someone punched me. I was in the restroom at a urinal on the other side of him when he suddenly punched me. Because I hang around with Trent, I was starting to be considered a troublemaker by teachers too. I can't forget the day that a teacher's aid punched me when I tried to ask if it was my turn to read. For some reason that day he was in a very bad mood and told us to keep our mouth's shut unless we are called upon to talk. I asked if it was my turn to read and he threw a punch right to the temple of my head. This was the first time in my life that I realized what an outcast I was and how people saw me as someone from another planet. It seems I gave them plenty of things to make fun of. I would wear my Boy Scout uniform to school because I was so proud to be a Boy Scout for some reason. In later years I would lose interest in Boy Scouts and never achieve the rank of Eagle Scout that I intended to achieve when I first joined. Our troop was a small troop of only a few people and dissolved so I ended up in a much larger troop where I was the outcast and since my scoutmaster insisted on 2 people in every tent, I ended up with another weird person who would drink maple syrup and treated me as if I was dumb and he was my teacher. The other members of my troop would meet in a tent and have a part but me and Chris were left in our own tent. It was a bummer to camp since I always ended up with Chris and was excluded from the other activities the rest of the troop did. Summer Camp really sucked in my new troop. I was made fun of in my other troop but still had at least some respect and was included in activities unlike my this new troop.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My first grade school years.
Not fitting in and getting into trouble
I really cannot remember any times that I was considered odd during my childhood before attending grade school. Maybe there were people at church (I attended church as a child but not an LDS church) who saw me as a little strange and one time while camping me and my brother asked a woman if we can play with her daughter who was our age and she made very clear that WE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH HER DAUGHTER. As she was saying this she was looking at me as if she was talking directly to me as if she wouldn't mind if it was just my brother but she for some reason didn't want me anywhere near her daughter! I figured that it was just that some people are mean and even though it really hurt me, I should get over it. How she acted, I gather she thought that I would sexually assault her daughter when I was at an age that I didn't even know about the birds and the bees and when I thought about sex it was when you are asked if you are a male or female. I really began to learn how different I was when I started Kindergarten. I knew that I was different in some way but couldn't figure out why others refused to be friends with me and why some people who were my friends and teachers would get mad at me and no longer talk to me. Why would some classmates tell me to get lost right when I introduced myself to them without giving me a chance to see that I am a normal schoolkid like they are? I really didn't notice it at the time but teachers seemed to be watching me more closely than other students. I don't remember my Kindergarten registration but I do remember going to some University of Utah medical clinic in Salt Lake City when I was a kid. I later found out that during registration for Kindergarten, a teacher noticed that I bounced a ball in an odd way and that she was concerned that I was mentally challenged or in her words Retarded. My parents took me to a specialist at the University of Utah (a recommendation from this teacher) who concluded that I wasn't mentally challenged and from how my parents talked about it, the specialists wondered why this teacher even thought that I was mentally challenged. I ended up enrolled in Special Education classes for my entire time in my first elementary school which isn't much fun since students already saw me as different and the added label of a Special Ed student gave students even more reasons to believe I was different and they would make fun of me. I remember that I never heard of the word "retard" until students started calling me one and I had no idea that they meant it as an insult. I even went along with these students and admitted that I was "retarded" even though I had no idea what being retarded meant. During grade school I was constantly in trouble and ended up in the principals office often for disturbing class and being lazy and unwilling to do my schoolwork/homework. I was considered lazy but in reality I was focused on other things such as playing with Lego(r) blocks instead of doing my homework and during class often didn't pay attention. I should have realized how important it was to do my homework and pay attention during class instead of daydream and play with lego blocks when I got home. I remember one time in the first grade I didn't want to do math exercises and answered math problems with random numbers such as 5+5 = 1. I still wonder why I did this. This gave students who were already harassing me more ammo to prove in their minds that I am a "retard". In addition, teachers probably saw this as an indication that I simply couldn't handle the classwork and I was soon in a special education math class. If I wasn't disturbing class, I also had a habit of spending recess alone instead of playing with others which is considered unusual for a schoolkid. I would just walk around the school building, sit and watch others play but not participate if asked by other students. Sometimes I would start daydreaming and be in my own world. It seemed I preferred to be alone instead of playing a game of football during recess. Sometimes I would hang out with female students for some strange reason and play things such as Hopscotch or jumping ropes-I didn't play with dolls or anything like that or participate in manicures/pedicures, hair styling, etc nor did I do anything that would be considered mature adult activities. I seemed to enjoy being with schoolgirls when most guys my age avoided girls and spent time with male classmates. Other times I would hang out with the adult who was in charge of monitoring students during recess and talk about things such as current events, and things that interested me that only an adult could understand such as why is the sky blue and what is the difference between a Democrat or Republican? and several volcano and space shuttle questions which bored and bugged most of the playground supervisors but I didn't realize I was being boring or bugging them. It seemed that I had an easier time talking to adults and sometimes girls instead of my male classmates. Maybe because girls and adults were accustomed to being nicer to people than young men and a playground supervisor most likely isn't going to tell a student to get lost when they are tired of talking to a student, they will answer questions and try to give hints that they would rather I spend time with other students which unfortunately I had troubles reading. Teachers saw me hanging around with female students and adult playground supervisors which obviously raised some eyebrows but I had no idea that I was acting strange. At the time adult playground supervisors committing sexual offenses was very rare but think of if I went to school today. In addition, grade school kids committing sexual crimes was unheard of. There were crazy adults and kids back then but not as many as today when it seems every day there is a teacher or other school official having an inappropriate relationship or sexually molesting a student and students doing the same. I had no idea how different I appeared to my teachers and my classmates when the average student would have easily figured this out. I would try to reach out and be friends but most students rejected me considering me weird and as I mentioned they would offer me a chance to play sports with them but I would turn down their offer because I was interested in other activities. It also seemed that I lacked the social skills that classmates had and a lot of times preferred to be alone. I was always seen as boring, rude, and weird but I had no idea why I was seen this way by others. At times I did want to be with people but didn't know how to go about initiating friendships. It was like everyone else naturally picked up the ability to communicate (like an animal naturally learning to survive in the wilderness) while I struggled at communicating and making friends. I would attempt to make friends by seeking attention by telling ridiculous stories, disrupting class thinking I was being either funny or smart (when I was really being an ass), and try getting peoples attention by crying. Sometimes students would act like they were my friend to try to get me to do something that would get me into trouble and sometimes it worked for them since it was hard for me to determine if they were genuine friends or playing some dirty joke on me to get me into trouble. One student in the first grade told me to write on the chalkboard with colored chalk which I later found out after cleaning up my writings was hard to remove. He told me the teacher asked him to decorate the chalkboard with these colored pieces of chalk and he wanted me as his "friend" to help. I didn't notice it but he didn't participate as I wrote on the chalkboard with these colored pieces of chalk. My teacher walked in and I got into trouble. Another time this same student tried to get me to pull the fire alarm but after the colored chalk incident and knowing that the only time you pull the fire alarm is if there really is a fire, I realized I couldn't trust him and he was trying to get me into trouble. I also seemed to have a poor sense of knowing what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior which also got me into a lot of trouble. I remember I got mad at a student and during an argument, I said "God Dammit!" as if it was nothing which wasn't something you say in a grade school in the 1970s, it may be different today but this was considered at the time to be almost as bad as saying the F word. Everyone quieted down after I said it and it was like the movie A Christmas Story when Ralphie said the "F dash dash dash word" while helping his old man change a tire. I ended up in the principals office and my parents were called about what I had said. I would talk about things that interested me but was considered inappropriate to talk about such as an airplane that crashed at an airshow in town. I constantly talked about it and I didn't realize how inappropriate it was to talk about this crash which resulted in the death of the pilot. Think if this pilot's wife was my teacher or his children attended my school! I talked about it as if it was some cool story not realizing that it a tragedy. I also liked to talk about events such as fires and car crashes even though these were tragic events especially if someone was injured or killed. It was like I had no empathy for the unfortunate people who had their house burn down losing all their precious possessions and a place to live and possibly some loved one was injured or killed in the fire which adds to the trauma of a house fire. It would be very tragic to see your own house burn down even if all your loved ones were able to escape. I also talked about tragic car crashes and crimes which are just as inappropriate and for some reason I couldn't figure out that it would be much better to talk about something positive like a weather forecast with very nice weather.
Special Ed classes, educators testing me, being moved to my other grade school
I was a frequent visitor to the Special Education Department in my first school. I would get help on math, vocabulary, and almost every other subject. I probably spent about a fourth of my school day in special ed classes in my first school. I also was called in for special occasions where I would do things like put together some puzzles made of red and white blocks which I think was an IQ test. The Special Education Department saw that there was something wrong with me but they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me since their IQ tests probably came out normal so they didn't know what to think. I still don't realize the hell my parents must have went through constantly being called by teachers and probably being given advice on how to parent when they had two other kids who were doing fine in school so it appears nothing was wrong with their parenting. I never was allowed to go to these meetings so I have no idea what was discussed but my parents were very desperate asking me what it will take to get me to perform better in school. Like always, I was oblivious to the situation and didn't realize how much my parents were concerned about me. Will they have to send me to a psychiatrist? A private school? What will it take for me to be a normal student so they don't keep getting called to meetings with educators in my first grade school. My parents were called to one final meeting with the educators from my first grade school (neither I nor my parents knew this would be the last meeting). I didn't think much of this meeting until my parents came home from this meeting and told me that I would be going to another school. I asked them how long and they said a couple of weeks. I don't know if they knew how long I was going to be there, they may have been told that I would only be there a couple of weeks too. After seeing a school special on the hardships people have when they move to a new school, I was devastated but figured that I would eventually be returned to my first school since it was only two weeks. I ended up spending the rest of my grade school years (both the fifth and sixth grade) at my other school.
I really cannot remember any times that I was considered odd during my childhood before attending grade school. Maybe there were people at church (I attended church as a child but not an LDS church) who saw me as a little strange and one time while camping me and my brother asked a woman if we can play with her daughter who was our age and she made very clear that WE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH HER DAUGHTER. As she was saying this she was looking at me as if she was talking directly to me as if she wouldn't mind if it was just my brother but she for some reason didn't want me anywhere near her daughter! I figured that it was just that some people are mean and even though it really hurt me, I should get over it. How she acted, I gather she thought that I would sexually assault her daughter when I was at an age that I didn't even know about the birds and the bees and when I thought about sex it was when you are asked if you are a male or female. I really began to learn how different I was when I started Kindergarten. I knew that I was different in some way but couldn't figure out why others refused to be friends with me and why some people who were my friends and teachers would get mad at me and no longer talk to me. Why would some classmates tell me to get lost right when I introduced myself to them without giving me a chance to see that I am a normal schoolkid like they are? I really didn't notice it at the time but teachers seemed to be watching me more closely than other students. I don't remember my Kindergarten registration but I do remember going to some University of Utah medical clinic in Salt Lake City when I was a kid. I later found out that during registration for Kindergarten, a teacher noticed that I bounced a ball in an odd way and that she was concerned that I was mentally challenged or in her words Retarded. My parents took me to a specialist at the University of Utah (a recommendation from this teacher) who concluded that I wasn't mentally challenged and from how my parents talked about it, the specialists wondered why this teacher even thought that I was mentally challenged. I ended up enrolled in Special Education classes for my entire time in my first elementary school which isn't much fun since students already saw me as different and the added label of a Special Ed student gave students even more reasons to believe I was different and they would make fun of me. I remember that I never heard of the word "retard" until students started calling me one and I had no idea that they meant it as an insult. I even went along with these students and admitted that I was "retarded" even though I had no idea what being retarded meant. During grade school I was constantly in trouble and ended up in the principals office often for disturbing class and being lazy and unwilling to do my schoolwork/homework. I was considered lazy but in reality I was focused on other things such as playing with Lego(r) blocks instead of doing my homework and during class often didn't pay attention. I should have realized how important it was to do my homework and pay attention during class instead of daydream and play with lego blocks when I got home. I remember one time in the first grade I didn't want to do math exercises and answered math problems with random numbers such as 5+5 = 1. I still wonder why I did this. This gave students who were already harassing me more ammo to prove in their minds that I am a "retard". In addition, teachers probably saw this as an indication that I simply couldn't handle the classwork and I was soon in a special education math class. If I wasn't disturbing class, I also had a habit of spending recess alone instead of playing with others which is considered unusual for a schoolkid. I would just walk around the school building, sit and watch others play but not participate if asked by other students. Sometimes I would start daydreaming and be in my own world. It seemed I preferred to be alone instead of playing a game of football during recess. Sometimes I would hang out with female students for some strange reason and play things such as Hopscotch or jumping ropes-I didn't play with dolls or anything like that or participate in manicures/pedicures, hair styling, etc nor did I do anything that would be considered mature adult activities. I seemed to enjoy being with schoolgirls when most guys my age avoided girls and spent time with male classmates. Other times I would hang out with the adult who was in charge of monitoring students during recess and talk about things such as current events, and things that interested me that only an adult could understand such as why is the sky blue and what is the difference between a Democrat or Republican? and several volcano and space shuttle questions which bored and bugged most of the playground supervisors but I didn't realize I was being boring or bugging them. It seemed that I had an easier time talking to adults and sometimes girls instead of my male classmates. Maybe because girls and adults were accustomed to being nicer to people than young men and a playground supervisor most likely isn't going to tell a student to get lost when they are tired of talking to a student, they will answer questions and try to give hints that they would rather I spend time with other students which unfortunately I had troubles reading. Teachers saw me hanging around with female students and adult playground supervisors which obviously raised some eyebrows but I had no idea that I was acting strange. At the time adult playground supervisors committing sexual offenses was very rare but think of if I went to school today. In addition, grade school kids committing sexual crimes was unheard of. There were crazy adults and kids back then but not as many as today when it seems every day there is a teacher or other school official having an inappropriate relationship or sexually molesting a student and students doing the same. I had no idea how different I appeared to my teachers and my classmates when the average student would have easily figured this out. I would try to reach out and be friends but most students rejected me considering me weird and as I mentioned they would offer me a chance to play sports with them but I would turn down their offer because I was interested in other activities. It also seemed that I lacked the social skills that classmates had and a lot of times preferred to be alone. I was always seen as boring, rude, and weird but I had no idea why I was seen this way by others. At times I did want to be with people but didn't know how to go about initiating friendships. It was like everyone else naturally picked up the ability to communicate (like an animal naturally learning to survive in the wilderness) while I struggled at communicating and making friends. I would attempt to make friends by seeking attention by telling ridiculous stories, disrupting class thinking I was being either funny or smart (when I was really being an ass), and try getting peoples attention by crying. Sometimes students would act like they were my friend to try to get me to do something that would get me into trouble and sometimes it worked for them since it was hard for me to determine if they were genuine friends or playing some dirty joke on me to get me into trouble. One student in the first grade told me to write on the chalkboard with colored chalk which I later found out after cleaning up my writings was hard to remove. He told me the teacher asked him to decorate the chalkboard with these colored pieces of chalk and he wanted me as his "friend" to help. I didn't notice it but he didn't participate as I wrote on the chalkboard with these colored pieces of chalk. My teacher walked in and I got into trouble. Another time this same student tried to get me to pull the fire alarm but after the colored chalk incident and knowing that the only time you pull the fire alarm is if there really is a fire, I realized I couldn't trust him and he was trying to get me into trouble. I also seemed to have a poor sense of knowing what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior which also got me into a lot of trouble. I remember I got mad at a student and during an argument, I said "God Dammit!" as if it was nothing which wasn't something you say in a grade school in the 1970s, it may be different today but this was considered at the time to be almost as bad as saying the F word. Everyone quieted down after I said it and it was like the movie A Christmas Story when Ralphie said the "F dash dash dash word" while helping his old man change a tire. I ended up in the principals office and my parents were called about what I had said. I would talk about things that interested me but was considered inappropriate to talk about such as an airplane that crashed at an airshow in town. I constantly talked about it and I didn't realize how inappropriate it was to talk about this crash which resulted in the death of the pilot. Think if this pilot's wife was my teacher or his children attended my school! I talked about it as if it was some cool story not realizing that it a tragedy. I also liked to talk about events such as fires and car crashes even though these were tragic events especially if someone was injured or killed. It was like I had no empathy for the unfortunate people who had their house burn down losing all their precious possessions and a place to live and possibly some loved one was injured or killed in the fire which adds to the trauma of a house fire. It would be very tragic to see your own house burn down even if all your loved ones were able to escape. I also talked about tragic car crashes and crimes which are just as inappropriate and for some reason I couldn't figure out that it would be much better to talk about something positive like a weather forecast with very nice weather.
Special Ed classes, educators testing me, being moved to my other grade school
I was a frequent visitor to the Special Education Department in my first school. I would get help on math, vocabulary, and almost every other subject. I probably spent about a fourth of my school day in special ed classes in my first school. I also was called in for special occasions where I would do things like put together some puzzles made of red and white blocks which I think was an IQ test. The Special Education Department saw that there was something wrong with me but they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me since their IQ tests probably came out normal so they didn't know what to think. I still don't realize the hell my parents must have went through constantly being called by teachers and probably being given advice on how to parent when they had two other kids who were doing fine in school so it appears nothing was wrong with their parenting. I never was allowed to go to these meetings so I have no idea what was discussed but my parents were very desperate asking me what it will take to get me to perform better in school. Like always, I was oblivious to the situation and didn't realize how much my parents were concerned about me. Will they have to send me to a psychiatrist? A private school? What will it take for me to be a normal student so they don't keep getting called to meetings with educators in my first grade school. My parents were called to one final meeting with the educators from my first grade school (neither I nor my parents knew this would be the last meeting). I didn't think much of this meeting until my parents came home from this meeting and told me that I would be going to another school. I asked them how long and they said a couple of weeks. I don't know if they knew how long I was going to be there, they may have been told that I would only be there a couple of weeks too. After seeing a school special on the hardships people have when they move to a new school, I was devastated but figured that I would eventually be returned to my first school since it was only two weeks. I ended up spending the rest of my grade school years (both the fifth and sixth grade) at my other school.
I. Life before being diagnosed with aspergers.
From the earliest that I can remember, I was always considered different but didn't know people saw me as different. I just seemed to have troubles getting along with people and came out as rude when I never intended to be rude to anyone. I was missing something, it seemed I couldn't pick up social cues from others when I went too deep into a subject, or I was discussing or doing something that others felt uncomfortable with me doing and were giving social cues that were obvious to everyone but me. I also seemed to display different emotions than others and would smile when we were discussing something tragic (I did feel bad about the tragedy but for some reason smiled when I talked about it), get mad for something that others considered trivial, or be depressed for things that seemed to be insignificant to others. I also seemed to drift into my own little world and be a little too interested in some subjects that would bore everyone else, especially with how much detail I went into learning about a subject. I wouldn't really play with the other kids and when I did, I didn't play along with them, I just went my own way. Prior to school I rarely met others so my differences were never really noticed and when they were, my neighbors, family members, and others figured it was just the way I was and couldn't see anything different about me.
To start this blog, I decided on dividing my life into two sections. Section one (Life before being diagnosed with aspergers) and Section two (life after my diagnosis). In section one I will talk about my life before the diagnosis including my life in Grade School, Junior High School, High School, and the period after graduating from High School until my diagnosis. My diagnosis isn't official but after some pre-screening tests done by my therapist, she has determined that most likely I do have Aspergers Syndrome which is a mild form of autism. Some of the symptoms of Aspergers include troubles socializing with others including difficulties picking up on social cues, a person with Aspergers also may appear to lack empathy when the truth is they do have empathy but have troubles expressing it. It has only been recent that Aspergers has been diagnosed in individuals even though it was reported by Hans Asperger several years ago. A lot of patients are misdiagnosed as being mentally retarded, or with a serious mental illness such as Schizophrenia. This blog is mostly a chronicle of my life with Aspergers but I may add some informative sections to help people who don't have aspergers understand what aspergers is.
I have mixed feelings about my diagnosis with Aspergers. It is great to have some kind of diagnosis that accurately describes my condition. After being diagnosed with several mental illnesses I was starting to think I developed something that has never been seen before. Unfortunately, there really isn't much that can be done with the problems that are caused by Aspergers and most people have never heard of Aspergers so there isn't a public campaign telling people about us. I always wanted to be a normal person and was hoping that I could be "changed to normal" but that isn't possible with Aspergers. Chances are I will be lonely for the rest of my life and even if I was diagnosed at a much earlier age than my late 30s, there is little chance I could have been able to turn my life around and find a woman who would be willing to marry me with all the problems I have plus having Aspergers. People do get married who have Aspergers but it is very hard for someone who is nearly 40, only 5'1" (far too short for women), and suffering emotional scars from my lifetime of dealing with being different than everyone else in addition to Aspergers to find any woman who is interested. The few women I have met have seen me as boring. A lot of people see people with Aspergers spending time alone and assume that we want to be alone. In my case I don't want to be alone all the time and am very lonely. It has been speculated that people such as Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein to name a few may have had Aspergers. A lot of people with Aspergers are talented and are good mathematicians, engineers, Computer Programmers, etc. Some have argued that Aspergers shouldn't be considered an illness and if Aspergers is treated as an illness, it could destroy the talents that people with Aspergers have. It should be mentioned that a lot of people with Aspergers didn't do well in school despite being good in fields such as math.
Junior High
High School
Life after graduation
To start this blog, I decided on dividing my life into two sections. Section one (Life before being diagnosed with aspergers) and Section two (life after my diagnosis). In section one I will talk about my life before the diagnosis including my life in Grade School, Junior High School, High School, and the period after graduating from High School until my diagnosis. My diagnosis isn't official but after some pre-screening tests done by my therapist, she has determined that most likely I do have Aspergers Syndrome which is a mild form of autism. Some of the symptoms of Aspergers include troubles socializing with others including difficulties picking up on social cues, a person with Aspergers also may appear to lack empathy when the truth is they do have empathy but have troubles expressing it. It has only been recent that Aspergers has been diagnosed in individuals even though it was reported by Hans Asperger several years ago. A lot of patients are misdiagnosed as being mentally retarded, or with a serious mental illness such as Schizophrenia. This blog is mostly a chronicle of my life with Aspergers but I may add some informative sections to help people who don't have aspergers understand what aspergers is.
I have mixed feelings about my diagnosis with Aspergers. It is great to have some kind of diagnosis that accurately describes my condition. After being diagnosed with several mental illnesses I was starting to think I developed something that has never been seen before. Unfortunately, there really isn't much that can be done with the problems that are caused by Aspergers and most people have never heard of Aspergers so there isn't a public campaign telling people about us. I always wanted to be a normal person and was hoping that I could be "changed to normal" but that isn't possible with Aspergers. Chances are I will be lonely for the rest of my life and even if I was diagnosed at a much earlier age than my late 30s, there is little chance I could have been able to turn my life around and find a woman who would be willing to marry me with all the problems I have plus having Aspergers. People do get married who have Aspergers but it is very hard for someone who is nearly 40, only 5'1" (far too short for women), and suffering emotional scars from my lifetime of dealing with being different than everyone else in addition to Aspergers to find any woman who is interested. The few women I have met have seen me as boring. A lot of people see people with Aspergers spending time alone and assume that we want to be alone. In my case I don't want to be alone all the time and am very lonely. It has been speculated that people such as Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein to name a few may have had Aspergers. A lot of people with Aspergers are talented and are good mathematicians, engineers, Computer Programmers, etc. Some have argued that Aspergers shouldn't be considered an illness and if Aspergers is treated as an illness, it could destroy the talents that people with Aspergers have. It should be mentioned that a lot of people with Aspergers didn't do well in school despite being good in fields such as math.
Junior High
High School
Life after graduation
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